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Got my head on my shoulders, my feet on the ground
To keep from breakin' out of this blues side of town
If you have to know, do you have to know
I've been too far up, too far down, if you have to know
They went and locked me up for 47 days
Wouldn't let me out and I wouldn't change my ways
If you have to know, do you want to know
I take what I get and I play where I stay, if you have to know
I'm a runaway engine on a midnight line
No destination and no track of time
Ain't worried about yours, don't worry about mine
If you have to know, since you have to know
Well too many bars and too many nights
Too many lefts and not enough rights
If you have to know, do you have to know
I'm the last one to leave and the first one to fight, if you have to know
Got a whole lot of women, a whole lot of beer
Half outta whiskey and flat out of pills
If you have to know....do you have to know
I got some kinda deal but it's all up to you, if you have to know
Type your paragraph here.
"NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE..." - George Bush Jr.
COMING SOON...
Jr. with a terrible follow through, notice how he pushes and holds it at the tail end of his swing. absolutely no fluidity. Now if you bring your attention below you will see Tiger Woods demonstrate the perfect swing. Michelangelo couldn't have sculpted something more perfect.
"ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COUNTRY" - JOHN F. KENNEDY
****waking up from being in an accident--- rambling on drugs****
There was slow and steady beep and florescent light that woke me up and i thought it was my alarm and the morning sun.
“Italian food, ham, ham pea soup, bagel, veggie spread, vega protein, stevie ray, general comedy, coffee, cigarettes, cheeseburgers, the internet, nice hats, ashtrays, partying, drinking beer, beer pong, sports like hockey or baseball but only to play them, hate watching unless i am there live. I like going to see baseball games, i like all the people there leisurely drinking and talking and people only paying attention to the game when they notice everyone else is paying attention. Once i saw a guy get hit in the chest with a foul ball and spill his beer because he wasn’t paying attention, he was pissed but he knew it was his fault and his anger quickly subsided when his friend gave him a beer and they put a replay of him getting hit and spilling his beer on the big screen and everyone went ‘ohhhhhhhh’ and laughed and cheered and he too laughed, and held his beer up and cheered. He watched the next pitch and after assuming the odds of getting struck again with a foul ball were similar to the odds of getting struck by lighting or getting eaten by a shark, he continued to talk to his friends. I like golf too but only in the evening with friends and beer drinking, but no competition because it kind of ruins the game. Okay maybe a little bit of competition, like longest drive. I like longest drive because I usually win, sometimes my friend Cole wins, but it’s rare; he only wins when I don’t hit the fairway. He usually hits the fairway but he cannot drive as far as i can. And there is Tony but he never participates because he never wins; he has a short awkward swing that is snappy and ill tempoed and can’t drive very far. He also gets angry and quiet when he hits poor shots, but not me, i could care less. He cheats on his scorecard too, doesn’t count his strokes. I find i hit my best drives when i just walk up to the tee and hit without thinking too much, otherwise i usually get too focused on my stance, where my feet are placed in relation to the ball, how i am addressing the ball, is my club face too open or too closed, is my stance open or closed. The effect of the latter will either result in a draw or fade which is nice depending on if that is the type of shot you are trying to make. I have a natural fade which means the ball has a nice inside to outside arc and people always comment on the nice trajectory of my shot; it starts out low and has a nice rise. I can drive the ball on average of 340 yards which is higher than the PGA tour average at 310 yards, however, i could never compete because i don’t have a short game and that’s where most of the game is played. I had my swing speed checked once and the radar said I have a swing speed of 131 miles per hour and the PGA average is 110 miles per hour. I like boxing and mma fights, i like watching knockout compilations where boxers get punched in the head so hard they blackout and their bodies are still responding to the fight due to muscle memory and they are lying on the canvas punching the air. A knockout occurs when the head is struck with such force that the brain, which is floating in a cerebral fluid inside the skull, bounces back and forth against the inside of the skull resulting in a I saw this one clip of a Muay Thai fight where one of the fighters’ gets hit with a hard cross and as he is falling down gets kicked in the face and then he instantly rises up like a zombie******insert screenshot******. I like watching drag racing clips where the motors blow up and the car crashes, i don’t like it sometimes because you know the drivers die. i know it is sad but i also feel like that’s just part of it and it’s a risk the drivers’ know is at stake. I definitely takes a certain type of person to devote their life to 3 seconds and 1320 feet. The National Hot Rod Association or the NHRA for short, shortened the length of the track from 1320 feet, or a quarter mile, to 1000 feet after Scott Kalitta tragically died after crashing at 300 miles per hour. ****add more about drag racing***uhm what else do i like, i like riding my bike in and out of traffic and holding onto the side of the car so i don’t have to pedal, it's a little dangerous sometimes but it's well worth the risk. I don’t take a lot of risks, only calculated ones. i like movies, i like hollywood movies, indy movies, american psycho! i love american psycho, never read the book though, someone said you can only do one because if you do both you will just jump back and forth trying to define which one is better and end up ruining the story entirely so i had already read the movie i mean seen the movie so i guess i cant write the book i mean read the book; too bad because it has a great cover it looks like a francis bacon painting. i love france and i love bacon. but i dont like french bacon as much as american bacon, french bacon is not crispy and it is too thick sometimes. it is like ham and ham is only good at christmas with the family because everybody is happy, i mean everybody looks happy. My mom always looks happy and she loves me a lot but i wonder sometimes if she is happy because she is always busy caring for others. She is very accommodating and very kind. She gets stressed quite a bit during holidays because she likes to have big parties and invite all her friends over but it always gets really stressful in the kitchen because my dad is like a sack of hammers in the kitchen so i end up helping a lot of the time but sometimes i am either too drunk or too stoned. she taught me to cook at an early age. I like to cook and i am good at it, i don’t have to try and i can just cook and i don’t over season or over salt. One time i over seasoned a piece of beef with too much soy sauce and all i could taste was soy sauce so i took everyones plate away and ordered two large pizzas; one hawaiian and one pepperoni. They are the two best flavours because they are classic. Not a lot of people like hawaiian pizza and i don’t understand what all the confusion is about the marrying of the two ingredients. It is the perfect marriage. Hawaiians sometimes eat pork with cooked or grilled pineapple and the pineapple is a nice and sweet balance to the naturally salty pig meat. I read, or did i hear somewhere that human tastes like pork and i’ve often thought about under what circumstance would be required for me to try such a meat. I also heard that cannibalistic tribes refer to human meat as ‘long pig’ and despite the mouth watering comparison between the two i still find myself cringing at the thought. Some people i know put pasta in a pot with cold water then turn it on and ask how long it takes to boil water. I think to myself ‘ are you stupid’? There are a multiple factors that have to be considered when you boil water like how much water how big is the burner what is the surface area of the bottom of the pot, what is the heat source. I hate cooking on electric coil stoves when i am over at a girl’s house becuase i told them i want to make them dinner because i know it will most likely be better than the restaurant they choose. I don’t really like to take a girl out to the restaurants i like unless i really care about them, and there are about 3 friends who are girls and 1 in particular who i want to take out because i am in love with her but i cannot. Coil stoves take forever to heat up and are very inconsistent they also shut on and off periodically. Coil stoves are for people who only need to heat up food that has already been prepared and stoners who live in grungy appartments who use them for hot knifing hash. That is their only purpose. canadian bacon on the other hand is like tenderloin it is always very dry but it is good when it is sliced thin and cooked crisp, if you have not tried it it is also called peameal bacon because it is rolled in peameal which is like cornmeal i think, maybe it's the same thing just the canadian version.
*****insert blt history, and dreaming of the perfect blt, using pork belly****
Canadian bacon ‘BLT’’s are very good because they have more sustenance than the classic. I know it is subjective, just like a lot of things in life, but classic BLT’s require a lot of bacon strips to make the sandwich worth your while. On the typical blt’s i have encountered they usually consist of 4 lousy stale strips of poor grade bacon, a lumpy piece of iceburg lettuce that usually is mainly the leaf’s stem, a couple slices of unripened bland beefsteak tomato, and an unruly amount of mayonnaise all between dry toast. Canadian versions are usually worse than their counterpart the american version for lots of reasons, reasons that seem to be slipping my tired mind, i feel like i have not slept in weeks and i have a headache.”
“That’s because you’ve been in an accident, don’t you remember?” jane says somewhat comfortingly as she grabs hold of my hand, which is at my side.
“Anyway i tried pills i tried taking caffeine pills but they don't work. i tried lots of things too i tried doing strenuous activity right before bed, like masturbating, i tried to just keep masturbating after i came to see how long it would take the seminiferous tubules in my testes to produce more sperm for me to ejaculate so i could come again in hopes that i would be that much more exhausted and have little to zero trouble passing out because that usually does the trick, just like after sex you sometimes are either really awake or really tired. i guess it depends whether or not you had sex at night or in the morning. if you have sex in the morning especially if you had sex the night before, it is really nice because you usually care about the person enough to have let them spend the night and i like caring about people. sometimes when you have sex with someone you don't really care about (mentally yes, but physically not really, i mean in the sense that i don't want to or wouldn’t want to cause or have harm come upon them, i mean i just don't care about them really and they can leave right after we have sex) it is like watching porn. i feel like a porn actor and that there are usually no limits as to what deviant acts can be committed but sometimes porn makes me sick and sad. maybe also that is different when your time is on the clock and you only have 200 dollars in your wallet, but who knows really. when sex is a one night stand it is fun and it is ‘no strings attached’, sometimes i like one night stands because i don't really like spending time with people. Sometimes they stay after sex but I could never sleep because it felt like there was a stranger in my bed and that makes me uncomfortable because the only person that i want in my bed is unable to be in my bed. There is one friend i have who i see once every two weeks and i pick her up after she goes to the club. I really like our relationship because i pick her up at the club late at night or really early in the morning, depending on how you frame it, and she will be standing out front with guys trying to talk to her and i pull up in my car and she gets in and the guys stand there looking defeated and i know that they are angry and will probably go home and masturbate to porn then pass out. We usually stop for a late night snack at either the 24 hr diner and share pancakes or waffles and eggs and bacon, she likes the hash browns the best and usually only eats them, sometimes with ketchup. I asked her once why she only uses ketchup sometimes and she said it’s because ketchup is bad for your skin. I rarely eat ketchup now. I usually end up eating the majority of the meal because i know i will need the energy. Sometimes if she is really horny we just stop at mcdonalds. I usually get a mcdouble and ask them to put it in the microwave so as to melt the cheese. Sometimes when you get it and it’s fresh the cheese hasn’t had a chance to melt yet and the corners have broken off during the wrapping process so they fall onto my lap when i unwrap the mcdouble which can be dangerous because i like to eat while i drive and the falling cheese bits sometimes distract me. These are things i notice. I like to bite the mcdouble and look at the patties as the grease oozes out from the section where i had just bitten and i like to see my teeth marks in the translucent bun. Sometimes it is dangerous because i stare at the mcdouble while i am driving. Sometimes they inaccurately put the dollop of ketchup on the mcdouble and it blankets one side of the bun and gets on my lips and when i look over at the girl she laughs because there is ketchup on the side of my mouth and she says i look like a retard. She usually only gets a medium french fries. She only likes potatoes i guess. You would never know she eats fast food though because she is slim and small, maybe five foot three, and i am 6 foot two with doc martens on, almost 6 foot three but it depends if i am standing straight which also depends on my mood. If i am sad and depressed i tend to slouch a little. My friends who i see once in while will notice and ask if everything is okay, this is a nice feeling because it’s nice to know that people are concerned, i usually lie and say everything is okay because i know my depression is normal and that it is just part of life. I only really care about tall people, someone once said i was heightist. Sometimes she doesn’t want to stop for food but i will stop and get a mcdouble anyway because i am usually hungry at the time, hungry because i either haven’t eaten since dinner, which is usually anywhere from 6 to 8 oclock and by the time i pick her up it is usually 2 to 3am, or i am stoned and have the munchies. It is usually the latter because I am usually stoned at night because my dealer said the weed he gives me is supposed to make you sleep, but all it does is makes my hungry and think weird thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts are so weird that i will not share them with my friends. Sometimes i am tired and want to go to sleep but i know the girl wants to meet up late at night so i will get a little bit of cocaine from my neighbor, just enough to keep me awake. I like to think i have good self control because i am able to just do a little bit of cocaine, just enough to keep me awake. When she doesn’t get anything to eat, sometimes she will give me a blowjob during the commute back to my apartment, but not long enough for me to come, just long enough to edge me. When we get back to my apartment i usually open a bottle of wine nothing too special because i know it will not get finished, she is also not a wine connoisseur so she never knows the difference. I usually drink most of it and she maybe has one glass, if that. We usually sit in the living room for a bit and i’ll listen to her as she tells me about her night. It’s usually the same story, guys’ by her shots and drinks and she does the shot or takes the drink then says she has to go to the bathroom and disappears into a cluster of sweaty bodies and eagerly predatorial faces wrought with desperation. Sometimes she says the guys will find her later and ask why she went and hid and she tells them that she is happy to see them and that she had been looking for them, she is good at saying that, she is good at giving them the sense of hope, a hope that is foiled by its insincerity and a hope that pertains only to the fact that they think deep down they will get laid that night. Sometimes she will take their number and continue to text them after i have picked her up and i think of how i wished people would ask for my number sometimes. Sometimes we will sit and drink wine and she will show me the messages and the countless photos of erect penises she unwarrantedly receives, she always laughs. Sometimes the penises she shows me look weird and she will laugh and tell them they have a weird penis. I would tell her that can really hurt their feelings and she says that they’re the ones harassing by sending the unwanted nude photos and i know she is right. After we finish talking and drinking wine in the living room of my apartment we go to my bedroom. it always fascinated me how quickly she was able to get undressed and climb into my bed. I have a king size bed, it is 76 inches wide and 80 inches long and my shoulders are 19 inches wide. That means four of me could fit side by side on my bed. I don’t know how wide her shoulders are but she is small. She always had fancy lace underwear on and she would sometimes ask me ahead of time what color i wanted her to wear. I never really cared too much so i usually said red or black or pink. Sometimes her panties had a hole sewn into the crotch so we could have sex while she kept them on, other times she would just pull them aside. I didn’t really like when she took them off because i felt that you should only be completely naked and vulnerable with someone that you love and care deeply about and i didn’t love or care deeply about her, although i do care about her as a friend. I liked when she kept her underwear on because i liked to look at the intricate design work in the lace and i would think of how delicate it is and how hard it would be to make women’s underwear and all the different sizes and body shapes you would have to accommodate. I would also often think about making women’s shoes while we had sex, and all the steps and different techniques there were that went into making them. Like what style would i make, would i make a stiletto, would i make a wedge, would i make a platform, or would i make a high heel. I always liked the look of a nice crimson red high heel but i never wanted to make one, it was classic. I often thought about one of the people i love and care deeply about wearing a pair of shoes i made for them and that excited me and made me happy. I would think about what her face would look like when i showed them to her and the way she would turn and twist her legs in front of a mirror to see how they looked and thought about what outfit would go with them. I thought about what people would say when she told them I made them for her, mostly good things. Before I could get into bed she would usually have chosen a movie to put on for background noise and light, but never music though. She says she doesn’t really listen to music and that the music she listens to i don’t like. i always thought that was considerate because i don’t like listening to music that i don’t like. She would usually choose movies that i didn’t like and rarely choose movie’s I liked. I had mostly never seen the movies she chose because they were usually bad and i don’t like bad movies. We never watched the movie anyway; we would usually begin to have sex during the opening credits and continue to have sex on and off only to stop and pay attention to the movie periodically for breaks. We would experiment with all sorts of positions often mimicking the ones we had seen in porn, but never watching porn while we had sex. She would come then i would come and i would always make sure to give her a warm cloth to clean herself because i know if i had to wipe semen off of my body i would like to use a warm cloth. Sometimes she would fool around and pretend to wipe the cloth on my face and it would make me gag, the smell semi sweet and like no other. Sometimes she would sleep for a bit then call a cab early in the morning but usually she would call a cab right after or i would drive her home if was sober enough, which I usually was. I enjoy the friendship we have but other times i wish strings were attached, just not with her. still it’s nice when there are no strings attached. sometimes this leads to a short lived bout of depression caused by my deep longing for a partner, a partner where we mutually want to stay in bed and look at each other after having sex and study the curvature of each other's upper lip and fall asleep and then wake up in the morning and have sex again and then maybe get dressed and go out for the day. sometimes after i have sex with a friend with mutual understanding i pretend that they are someone i care about. i like it when i wake up in the morning with a friend beside me in bed and they facing the other way so i can stare at the back of their head and imagine it is someone else. sometimes most of the time i imagine it being someone that i care deeply about and wish it was them in the bed facing away from me, knowing that shortly after waking up i will tap them on the shoulder and quietly ask them if they want coffee, even if they are sleeping. i wish that if i did this that they would not mind being woken up by my inquiry. sometimes it's the little things in relationships that i long for the most and not the public displays of affection or the couples nights or the fancy dinner dates or the travelling or the meeting the parents or the shopping with or the buying flowers and apologizing for being an asshole, but the part where i can tap them on the shoulder while they are waking up and ask them if they want coffee. i had a girlfriend once and she was amazing. we met in an almost woody allen like situation. it was out of nowhere and it was unexpected; but of course that last part is redundant. We had a very good relationship and we were very kind to each other. I only liked spending time with her and i liked her because she laughed at me especially when i was acting like a dumbass and i liked her smile and her eyes and her nose and her hair and she had a good body and she was beautiful. We told each other we loved one another but we grew to realize that our love for one another was that of friendship.****continue into relationship details***
***back to strenuous activity to get to sleep**** I also tried doing about 50 pushups followed by 50 situps followed by 50 burpees as fast as possible to hopefully pass out from the exhaustion. A burpee is a somewhat rigorous exercise where you are in full prone and you jump up to standing position and in one fluid motion jump up while reaching for the stars only to fall back down and resume prone. Sometimes i wouldn’t be paying attention and I would jump up and my hands would get smacked by the ceiling fan but it never hurt. I always liked that expression reaching for the stars. Or was it jumping for the stars? I think it was both. I remember somebody i don’t remember who, but they said ‘you know if you jump for the’ oh i remember what it was, it was aim for the moon and you will fall among the stars. I never quite understood it, to me it was kind of like failing to reach something and settling for something sub par. Is the moon better than the stars? I recently watched a conspiracy documentary about the apollo missions during the cold war and they laid out all these pseudo facts that were kinda convincing. ****add more opinion to moon landing and JFK, and sputnik and how you thought it was spudnik*** They talked about multiple angels of shadows, oops i meant angles not angels. They talked about how if you double the speed of the footage it looks like they’re running around at normal speed. They talked about how there is no blast crater from landing and also when the pod takes off back into space it does look really weird it looked like the pod was pulled up from somewhere by cables and it jitters around as if the multiple winches were activated at different times and speeds resulting in the pod to sway as it was being lifted and i always wondered why the cameras were crooked. I guess in all fairness they are astronauts not photographers. I often think about how many conspiracies are actually true. Someone said to me once that Noam Chomsky actually worked for the CIA because he was always so quick to brush off conspiracy theory and say ‘who cares’.
*******for later on in story************
David foster wallace once said in some interview i saw on Youtube that good art makes you feel like you’re not alone. Maybe that’s why i decided to try and write this story in hope that there is someone who will read this and know there is someone else who thinks and feels the way they do. I feel alone in the artworld. What does that even mean? I feel alone because I don’t understand the majority of my contemporaries. Can i even say that if i’m not even in the scene? I don’t get a lot of the weird art I see. They’re like riddles, really hard riddles. Sometimes i wonder if the riddle even has an answer or if the artist is just as confused as i am. sometimes I like to confuse people too, sometimes. However i like the part about weird contemporary art where it seems like they are just making so as to see the possibility of art’s limitations, if there even are any, but maybe that is it and that is about constantly redefining the possibilities of art. But i don’t really know. Will this story be considered art? To some, probably. I know my friends will think it’s a gas and that I am just having fun. I like to have fun most of the time. Most of the time i am too confused. I feel alone sometimes, and sometimes i feel a lot more alone than normal. Actually i feel alone a lot of the time. But i know that it’s just my brain making me think that way and i am usually able to brush it off, I like to spend time alone and look at the internet and youtube, i like to watch sports video clips.
Got my head on my shoulders, my feet on the ground
To keep from breakin' out of this blues side of town
If you have to know, do you have to know
I've been too far up, too far down, if you have to know
They went and locked me up for 47 days
Wouldn't let me out and I wouldn't change my ways
If you have to know, do you want to know
I take what I get and I play where I stay, if you have to know
I'm a runaway engine on a midnight line
No destination and no track of time
Ain't worried about yours, don't worry about mine
If you have to know, since you have to know
Well too many bars and too many nights
Too many lefts and not enough rights
If you have to know, do you have to know
I'm the last one to leave and the first one to fight, if you have to know
Got a whole lot of women, a whole lot of beer
Half outta whiskey and flat out of pills
If you have to know....do you have to know
I got some kinda deal but it's all up to you, if you have to know